Diets…MEHHHHH Gym….Mehhhhh Bikinis….Double MEHHHHHH! I am the first to turn my nose up at any suggestion on how to lose weight and the first in the buffet queue and I wonder why my jeans are a little snug? (By a little snug I mean can’t do them up at all and let my mum tum hang over the zip)…
I am the person who complains about being fat but does NOTHING! And it’s because my inner skinny b!tch and my outside chunky chick argue daily over whether or not I need too! I might wake up one day and think….rahhhhhhh Jessikins…Looking FIONEEEEEEEE today! Then by lunch time I am crying into a doughnut and obsessively looking at pictures of bikini models online desperately wishing I looked like them…(Please note in all of this I haven’t put down the doughnut!)
It is a constant battle! A frustrating one too and it doesn’t just stem from the medias perception of beauty it’s the comparisons I make between myself and friends! For example, we all have a fat friend right? A friend who is bigger than you, you know you will always secretly look better than? The one you can rely on to make you look good! Don’t lie…its true, we all have one…I AM HER NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GUTTED!
Not many people seem to get that the gym isn’t fun for all of us! The sweating, the out of breath-ness, The vomit (if your me and always go hard to show off) the list is endless! Sometimes getting up from the sofa and reaching for the wine is the only exercise I want to do and all you gym heads can go about your dam business! I mean, if there are no fat people in the world there wouldn’t be any skinny people right?
I just LOVE food! Like love it, the more calories normally the better! I am all for an all you can eat, a nandos, some ribs, mac and cheese I could keep going all day! The worst of “office cakes”…Oh mannn! I can’t say no at all, cakes..FREE cakes..Its rude not to! It is hard to tell yourself no and when I try too I will say one of the following (or all of them) in my head:
I will start properly Monday (This is my favourite and the most common)
I deserve it
I earned it
I am fine the way I am anyway..
It’s only small…
If I don’t use one of these then I try and justify whatever it is I am eating…for example. A Burger! Its only grilled meat right? And just a bit of bread and mainly salad, it has lettuce so it’s ok! So it’s ok…I should just punch myself at this point!
I have the friends who eat clean and preach about it to me! I love you all but the whole time you’re talking I am picturing body slamming your skinny ass while eating a rib and wondering what to have for dessert!! They can go on and on and almost make you feel guilty for the lunch YOU had like you fed it to them and you find yourself lying just to impress or just for them to not give you the lecture! It’s frustrating and we shouldn’t have to! Sometimes I just want to scream “YEAAA I HAD THAT BURGER, WITH THE FRIESSS AND I GOT HOT WINGSSS ON THE SIDEEEE”.
The commitment to make a change, this mind-set has to come from you. I understand now that no matter what people say to me or what they do I have to be in the zone, ready, willing otherwise it’s a complete waste!
I don’t know if it is just me but I get bored so quickly! I have the attention span of a goldfish! I will get obsessssssed with something then after a few weeks I am like blergh, pass me a pie! It’s just so ironic when you want to do something active and know you should do something but you “can’t be bothered” and that is the ONLY reason why I am where I am!
I also had to get my motivation in check! I was doing everything for all the wrong reasons; I wanted to lose weight to look good in a dress FOR SOMEONE ELSE. How does that work? This is about it me, all about me. How I feel in my own skin and how I perceive myself. My focus needed to change, I needed to do this for the right reasons, when my goal wasn’t me when my focus wasn’t me all my choices and my attitude was determined by someone else’s behaviour! When they are interested I was ON IT and when they weren’t I couldn’t be bothered anymore!
Do it for you! Do it because you want to and you’re ready. There is no rush either, Take your time, have a bad week! EAT the cake when you want the cake but have the balance. My problem is I have no balance, I am slowly getting there and eventually it will all fall into place for me..
But for all those who related to the above, you’re not alone! And it’s OK…Its ok to have a bad day, ok to indulge, ok to just be a lazy bum…but only SOMETIMES! We will all have our time and that thing that clicks in you and just says you know what, I have had enough let’s do this but let that come from you! No-one should tell you what you should look like or how you should feel, do it when YOU want too and when YOU are ready to let the inner skinny bitch come out..
At this moment in time, my inner skinny can stay where she is; I want to learn to love me as I am so I can then be a better version of me! She will be around at some point but for now…
Thanks for stopping by
P.s It’s all about balance