It is so cliché to say but you know when you listen to a song and it perfectly describes how you are feeling? To the point where it is almost surreal? I had that this morning and the timing was pure perfection.
Clean Bandit – Dust Clears. The Lyrics are:
Imagine if the life that you thought you shared wasn’t really there
It was made up in your mind
Could be anyone/anywhere
‘Cause you’d been living in a world of your own design, undermined
In another place other space in time
As the dust clears and it all starts to disappear
It may get harder ’cause you just started
And wherever you are, land on another star!
It may get harder ’cause you just restarted
You better get real, real, real and realise that the situations going nowhere
Because you act so tough I’ve totally lost control
So please try to understand that if I could I’d call and I would be there
And if I didn’t hurt so much you know I’s give you it all.
No truer words have been spoken to me recently! From reading my blogs many of you would know I have (sort of) recently become single. Now there is becoming single and there is dealing with becoming single and they don’t always happen at the same time.
I was “ok” I was “fine”. People kept looking at me oddly and expecting me to have some sort of break down and I kept getting frustrated and didn’t understand what they were waiting for! You know the awkward conversations that follow a break up “oh no, sorry to hear that, what happened” “but you were so good together” “I didn’t realise anything was wrong”! Every comment was water off a ducks back to me, or was it? I smiled through it, I kept myself busy and occasionally wanted to scream “AM I BOVEEEREEED”.
Little did I know that the “breakdown” everyone was expecting was yet to come.
When you are forced to have to deal with something it always hurts that little bit more than when you do it on your own terms! The song says it perfectly! “You’re living in a world of your own design”. When things are on your terms and your “own design” you are blissfully unaware of others in the situation, how they may feel, how they truly effect you and how you are going to cope because in your mind all is fine!
The hardest part of any situation is the truth! This happens when the dust clears! Dust to me is a façade, the unrealistic notion that you are ok and everything is fine and will work out. Dust blurs your vision, distorts the situation and makes you believe it is something that it isn’t.
Brushing “the dust” under the carpet only makes matters worse and creates bigger problems; dust mites, vermin and worse. Don’t let it settle! When it settles it doesn’t clear or disappear. It will come back and be worse!
It is not good for you either! The physical mirrors the emotional. Scientifically dust on a whole is not life threatening but it is dangerous if we are exposed for too long. Now although generally not harmful there are several factors that influence the effects of inhaled dust and various types that have varied effects. There is inorganic dust such as asbestos and organic dust such as air dust or hair particles. You are probably reading like ok Jess enough with the science!
My point is; the metaphorical dust I am speaking may not affect your lungs like the literal but it will affect your heart. Organic dusts such as misunderstandings are less harmful than inorganic dust such as dishonesty. And I don’t mean someone lying to you, I mean you lying to yourself! And making yourself and others believe you are ok when it is simply ok not to be.
We would all rather cough, splutter and squint through the dust rather than clear it to face the reality of the situation! Once cleared, this is where it gets tough. There is no smoke screen to mask the damage, the after math or the pain. The situation becomes clear and transparent giving you the opportunity to just feel it and this is the most painful part of the process.
Everything is hard at first and it gets easier! Dealing with heart break is a rollercoaster of irrational thoughts, erratic behaviour and an ocean full of tears but you need to restart! And as the song states “wherever you are land on another star”. To me that means another step towards mending. Your star could be hope, determination, love, faith or anything that is your next move into healing. My star is acceptance.
Accepting that I am not perfect but it is my imperfections that make me who I am. That despite giving my all I didn’t give all of me. I am still whole although I feel broken. That I can play the blame game and over think it, picking myself apart at the seams in order to make sense of it but I must accept that there are simply some things I just won’t understand and I have to be ok with that.
Don’t let your dust mask how you feel. Someone who is broken is not weak. Be courageous enough to deal with your problems head on with the understanding that it is not the end and in fact is the complete opposite. It is the beginning. Beginning of a new start, a fresh start!
Dusters won’t help you here! Grab your dyson, suck it up and chuck it out!
Thanks for stopping by x
The Fat Funny one xx
P.S How many times did I say Dust?