Self Sufficent. Selfish & Single.

In 2014 the female role is no longer what is was 100 years ago, 50 years ago even 5 years ago. We are in parliament, CEO’s, Fire fighters, Office Workers, City Bankers and quite frankly we are bloody hard core!!

It is consistently drummed into us to be independent, have our own, do our own thing and not the be reliant on a man and in some respect I believe that this is true but biologically and physically there are things neither sex can do without the other and there are certain things we have to consider when it comes to being in a relationship or being an “independent woman”.

I mean, can you even be both? I can only speak from personal experiences but my attitude in terms of providing and my determination to being independent has been a downfall in my past relationships because ultimately I haven’t let my man be “a man”.

Now ladies, we have all been there when you ask him to do something and he doesn’t do it and rather than wait patiently we get frustrated and just do the dam thing ourselves! We have become the DIY doers, the bill payers and the ones “bringing home the bacon” and that’s fine if we can get the balance right.

We don’t realise how intimidating we can be as women when we have it “all”, earn more and do more than a man. If he doesn’t feel like he can give you anything then why should he bother wasting his time attempting to when you can do it all on your own already? We need to feel needed by one another, like we have something to give the offer, or we are just there for the sake of being there.

In my experience I have been to fourth coming, too efficient and I have insisted on “wearing the trousers” when I felt like I needed to rather than stepping back and being patient with the understanding that we as men and women are different. We think differently, act differently and learn differently. I had to accept there were certain aspects of my personality that contributed to my need to control every aspect of my relationship and not letting go; this was the reason for the breakdown in my relationship.

Relationships are about balance, give and take, letting go and trusting the other. This contradicts the “you don’t need a man to complete you” “don’t depend on others” “do it by yourself” that we always hear and that can be confusing and difficult to get to grips with.

Personally I find it hard! I have this irrational fear that if you depend solely for something from someone or they give me something then what happens when they are no longer there or want it back? I panic at the thought and this drives my constant need to be in control of what I have and what I provide for my child so that I am never in a position to have to rely on others or be left with nothing! Where I constantly felt like I needed to provide I took away from someone else, I didn’t allow them to fulfil their role and then complained that they “didn’t do this” and “couldn’t do that” when in actual fact I was hindering their ability to do so by never giving them the opportunity.

It is about learning to rely on others in a healthy way so you can both be fulfilled in your role in the relationship.

We can become so consumed with what I want and MY happiness we quickly forget there is someone else to consider. We have to accept that there will come a point where we will have to let someone else in, trust them, give them a part of us and that can be one of the most scary things in the world because we have been let down, hurt, disappointed and the thought of maybe having to relive that is difficult to accept.

Allowing your man to take you out to dinner, hold the door open, buy you gifts, pay the bills or to provide for you does not make you any less of a woman equally for a man doing these things, letting your woman pay the bills, take YOU out for dinner or run your household don’t make you a “mug” or ” under the thumb”. We have become so caught up in how others see us or what the media depict as the “ideal man & woman” that we have simply forgotten the basics.

Telling ourselves we don’t NEED someone else is misleading. We DO need others, we can love ourselves unconditionally but we are in denial if we think we don’t need the love, affection and nurturing from others.

We only have one life, there is no shame in doing things on your own and being you but don’t be under the illusion that you are perfect the way you are and someone should just accept you as you are, flaws and all. I can be very selfish in my thinking and quick to request certain attributes from a potential partner or even a current partner but forget that we need to have something to offer also and there will be things about us we will need to adapt in order to compromise.

What can I do to enhance his life? What have I got to offer him? What can I provide for him? What can she do for me? How can I give to her without taking away from her?

We must consider these things; work on ourselves individually yes but in the hope of then letting go of some of those independent and individual things in order to become a success balanced pair.

Compromise isn’t about losing the sense of who you are, and giving someone part of you won’t make you less of a person. Embrace intimacy, love and the people around you. Don’t allow your need to be self-sufficient take away from the opportunity to love, be in love and receive love.

Thanks for stopping by x

The Fat Funny One x

P.S I know, I have no idea why I am single either.


Leave a comment

  1. ldolton9
    August 5, 2014 / 1:05 pm

    Well said Jess. Compromise is a sign of trust not weakness. Loving this blog of yours.

  2. Noreen King
    August 5, 2014 / 9:42 pm

    Jess are you sure your in the right profession. Your journelling skills are without a doubt worth pursuing. The lunchtime women’s talk programme is where you should be aiming for (if only you were famous lol). I hear what your saying and agree with you but I can’t be arsed. The happiest couples I’ve known is those where the man knows ‘wife knows best and just say yes dear’. I am mother and father, counsellor, advisor, nurse, Diy handy girl all because my patience ran out and their actions or not affected us as a unit so I chose not to enter into a relationship just for the sake of it and guess what the both look older than me with the most GREY hair. Should have stuck with me ha ha

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