I have no idea where these blog titles have come from but I see a theme building here..
Anywho! I wanted to cover a topic that I have been conflicted about revealing. I absolutely love writing and sharing a lot with readers but I do try and keep a lot to myself if possible and hope that I always have something left for me. Although this is wise in some ways it is also very selfish and when it came to this topic in particular I had to re-evaluate what I was offering to my readers and what was important. So, I wanted to let you all know that I suffer from Anxiety.
Now this has probably got a few reactions, to those who know me personally you have either gone, really?? And to others you may not understand why this is such a big deal.
2014 has been an odd year for me, irratic, confusing, happy, and sad amongst a million other emotions and back in October I was finally diagnosed with suffering with Anxiety. Now for those who don’t really understand it is a feeling of unease, worry and fear has different severity levels. It can be sparked off by a number of different events or other issues and can be really difficult to live with. Anxiety comes under mental health and admitting or realising you have an issue that need addressing is horrifying in itself. I battled with wondering if I was crazy and how this affected my daughter, my home life and if I was “normal”.
A few events led to me feeling anxious about my daily life and it began to take over every aspect of my life. We all have normal things that may spark you to feel concerned or worry, for example medical tests, exams, a big event coming up, during these times it would be considered normal or even expected for you to feel this way, but what about when it’s over the simplest thing such us getting up and going to work? I stopped writing (you may of noticed) wondering if people were judging me or didn’t like what I had to say, I was adamant everyone had something bad to say about me. I began to hate driving and was sure every time I did there would be a problem with the car or an accident. I would work myself up over something small and allow it to completely take over my day.
I wasn’t sleeping very well which prompted a visit to my DR who was really kind and began explaining that this was all ok and I simply needed to talk, reassess and take a step back.
As many of you know I have rekindled with my other half and we have recently got engaged, this has been huge and my life in many parts has been going great! I have been focussing on my weight loss and concentrating on just being a better me but the last few days driving the roads have been really icey and this sparked a whole new episode of panic in me.
Last year myself and my cherub (9 months at the time) were involved in a road accident. The road was icey and this caused a collision between car behind me and mine. We were fortunate we both walked away fine (well she didn’t walk she was 9 months but you know what I mean) and all I had was a bad bump to the head and whiplash. This incident is just one of many little things that bother me and the last few days have been such a struggle for me to drive on the roads. This morning I cried all the way down one street because I just didn’t like it and worked myself up so much I had to pull over!
I have come to understand it is nothing to be ashamed of, and opening up to others will maybe help someone, whether it is to help them understand someone else a bit better, understand their own issues or even let someone who knows me know. We all need to be more aware of others, how they feel, how things affect them and how we make them feel. My anxiety doesn’t really affect my parenting although I may panic over things that are not really important but they do affect my mood and this in turn affects my home life. For example, yesterday I went home in the worse mood because I was so worked up about driving and it just makes the smallest of things in that day escalate and snowball into bigger problems. I got home and was so horrible and moody and took this out on my fiancé (I just like saying fiancé) but it was uncalled for and unfair and even when he tried to be patient and find out what was wrong I really couldn’t even give him an answer!
Any issues surrounding mental health can be really hard to explain, you don’t feel like people really understand so it’s hard to articulate how you are feeling without thinking people are judging you or just think you are a mental case. This in itself can cause even more problems. What I have understood more recently is to just explain as best you can, it may not make sense but the relief of speaking about it can help massively. We may also be surprised at those who do get what you mean.
I spoke to a colleague and then found out she also suffered and it had sparked off her OCD. It was so refreshing to know someone understood what I was on about and she has been a huge lifeline to me.
Worrying and stress can be a part of everyday life but if you feel you can control it or it is getting a little bit out of hand speak to someone. There is no doubt someone who understands exactly what you are feeling and will be a support to you and you to them. We all go through what we do and we all have our reasons, there is nothing wrong with you. Understanding that we are perfectly normal and just need support is one of the biggest hurdles. Mental health has such a stigma attached that we are all scared to admit sometimes when things are simply too much but don’t. Don’t ever feel like you have to hide away or you have to justify when you are worried or down and can’t really explain why.
You can cope with anything and as long as you can accept it, manage it and be realistic about it. It all takes time and as cliché as it sounds, time really is a great healer. Worry less and smile more. This is what I am trying to tell myself! Yesterday in the midst of my episode I found a fortune cookie in my kitchen drawer and I opened it and it said “soon you will be on top of the world”.
Be you. Be accepting. Be great.
Thanks for stopping by
The Fat Funny one x
P.S Don’t worry. Be Happy