Running in the dark

I always wanted to be one of those really fit people you see in lovely running gear pounding the pavements or taking in deep breaths and stretching against a bench in the park, but I knew at my weight and with how I felt about myself I was never going to be that person, so I opted for running in the dark instead.

Spring evenings or summer runs are ideal for most but not me. For me; winter when it was pitch black at 6pm was perfect. I could run where hardly anyone could see me, this was what I wanted after reading stories of people getting shouted at from passing cars or beeped and mocked scared me so much that the risk of tripping over, meeting a fox or getting kidnapped in the dark didn’t really bother me so much.

I began to think I was protecting myself and doing everyone else a favour so they didn’t have to see the fat chick running down the street! Even though I was taking the steps to change, I was ashamed. Feeling this way meant that I was “sorry” for being me. A word I used oh to often for things I didn’t even do or when I felt like I wasn’t good enough.  I used it so many times I didn’t even really understand what I was apologising for until I realised, all these empty “sorrys” were me, not apologising for mistakes I had made or something I had done wrong but simply for being me and its not until recently I have simply began to stop using the word and decided I will live unapologetically.

I have seen time and time again on Social media people posting a picture of themselves, maybe their transformation or a little too nakey and say “Sorry if you don’t like this…” Why? Don’t apologise for YOU! If someone has a problem with the way you look its THEIR problem, not yours. You cannot and should not say sorry for being too curvy, too slim, too pretty or whatever it is you maybe! I am so sick of being sorry I do not fit into other peoples visions of what they believe I should look like. I will not feel guilty for making people feel uncomfortable about the way I look or who I am.

I am a fiery person, anyone who knows me will know that! I try not to be argumentative and can take a lot before I explode but when I do, even when I know I am not at fault, I blow up and then apologise because I have this strong sense of guilt. Guilt that I will make someone feel remorseful or bad even when I deserve the apology. In many of my posts I talk about guilt and it is so damaging to us all. Feeling guilty about how we make others feel, what we do, have done or haven’t.  When you begin to let go of the guilt you begin to slowly live your life unapologetically.

It will change your friendships, relationships and ultimately you. It is scary and the constant battle between the guilty feelings and the freedom will confuse you. You will view people differently, you will see different sides to people, and in some situations almost resent people because you will slowly realise so many people have lived their lives this way but you.

This isn’t about being selfish, or unkind or mean, its simply about accepting yourself and knowing who you are enough! Enough so you can be honest and open about yourself to others even if it doesn’t fit into their idea of who or how you should be. One of the things I try and teach myself is to know its ok to receive as much as you give. We can often allow ourselves to fall short whether it be financially, emotionally or physically at the hand of others because it will help them, but what about you? So much of this boils down to valuing yourself enough to understand your worth and that you are just as important as the next person.

 

If you follow me on instagram you will notice that yesterday I was really angry after my weekly weigh in! I was so upset that I had maintained when I had tried really hard, I was alot of things but I wasn’t sorry. I let myself feel it, I accepted it, I read all the words of encouragement and then I moved on. I went on to a family party and I indulged in birthday cake but I am not sorry. I refuse to continue to apologise for decisions I make. We will make mistakes, slip up and fall back but you get back up.

 

Acceptance is a difficult concept. We find it hard to sometimes accept what may of occurred as we don’t understand why it happened. Accepting yourself for who you are is sometimes more difficult than the understanding that others simply wont. We are our own worst critics, we waste gifted minutes, hours, days and even years self loathing, questioning and doubting ourselves. Feeling like we have not met peoples expectations of us, feeling “sorry” we never turned out how they wished, we are not who they want us to be! Dating is a fine example of that, we may meet someone, it doesn’t quite work out and we apologise we are not the person they are looking for forgetting that THEY were also not the right person for us.

When things are “limited edition” or one off people go crazy for it! They sell out, they are a fortune to buy, they are honoured, respected, placed in museums. If we regard all these things as so important why do we forget that we are too “limited edition”. We are the ONLY version of us so we deserve to be honoured and feel precious just as if we were physical treasure.

Do not be sorry for being you.  Your time is just as precious as someone else’s. Don not be afraid to hold yourself in high regard, to respect yourself, value yourself or simply be of the understanding that you are absolutely and completely fabulous.

There is a balance between being self assured and just being an ass hole. You will find your balance.

 

Be accepting, Be Proud, Be unapologetically you.

 

 

Thanks for Stopping By x

 

The Fat Funny One x

 

P.S . Sunny Afternoon runs are the best.

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2 thoughts on “Running in the dark

  1. Another super read Its like you were talking to me as I used to go for walks at 5.30 in the morning, less traffic less people. I’m not going to be sorry for being me!!!

    Keep writing !!!!

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