I often ask the universe to give me a sign when I need to make a decision about something. Random I know. Recently I have had so much to write and have made every excuse not to until today. Today I popped onto Facebook and my memories came up and I clicked on;only to find today is my 2 year anniversary.
Two years ago today I posted my very first blog post and The Fat Funny One was born.
I started trying to be funny (just being myself sort of) and quite quickly my blog grew into something so much more. Something I didn’t even know I was capable of and this prompted me to change my way of writing, I stopped trying to please and write what I thought people wanted to read so I would just type, spell check and post. I did until I felt like maybe I was saying too much? I started questioning everything; I started questioning myself.
A little while back I wrote a post called “Anxious Annie” and confessed and discussed my issues surrounding my anxiety. When I feel like things are getting a little out of sorts I often ask myself “Annie are you ok”…I mean, quoting Michael Jackson is always the right thing to do in a time of need.
Anxiety is one of those things people always say they would “never expect” from me. My crazy personality and outspoken attitude means people don’t realise that I often over think every situation so much so I suffer from migraines, that I over analyse and doubt every choice and decision worried they are the wrong ones. I try and control as much of a situation as physically possible because the doubts and worries overwhelm me. It is a day to day struggle, some days better than others, some situations easier to deal with than others but ultimately it is one of my biggest challenges, until recently.
I have recently had a situation I have been dealing with and I am fortunate enough that I have an amazing friend who is riding this wave with me. My anxiety has made me snappy, stressed, over emotional and quite frankly a little bit of a bitch and they have taken it all in their stride not realising their patience and understanding has been invaluable to me. Not because it has meant I can get away with being a brat but because for the first time in a long time I feel hopeful.
Anxiety for me; is the absence of hope. It is the fear of the unknown and the lack of the ability to believe that everything might just be all right. In my current situation my friend keeps telling me to “prepare for all eventualities” but unknowingly to them that is probably the worst thing you could tell me because in 2015 I won over-thinker of the year for the third year running. Attempting to predict the outcome or even worse how I will feel about an outcome is one of the hardest tasks for me but rather than explain this I have been irrational, changed my mind a million times and contradicted myself so many times I am starting to sound like David Cameron.
In all of this the one thing I didn’t do (that I never do) is give myself time. Mainly because time means I spend more of it questioning doubting and creating rather than doing anything productive. For once though, in the short time it has been and the first time in a long time I have hope and realised it isn’t some fluffy concept that has no substance and is for dreamers and fairies; it is necessary.
We need hope. It is the thing that makes us apply for the job we are under qualified for, makes us send the risky text message to our crush, use your debit card when your close to your limit, buy a scratch card with your last £1 or slide into that DM…ok maybe not the last one but you get my drift. Hope is the thing that makes us keep going because it gives us the faith that we will get a positive outcome, that things will be fine and even if they are not you are hopeful that you will be able to deal with whatever the outcome is anyway.
I realised that rather than focus on my rising anxiety I needed to cancel it out by increasing my faith, in my choices, in others, in the universe and in myself. I had to give myself a pep talk rather than over think, I had to be hopeful instead of scared, positive instead of negative and most of all, I had to be brave.
I understood the importance of hope. That we can all worry and doubt but it gets us no where. It creates negativity and spirals into something so much more. For so many years I thought it was harder to hope but it isn’t. In fact, it is liberating, exciting and for the first time in a long time I slept.
It is natural to fear the unknown, to be unsure of what might come,to change your mind and to make mistakes but never ever loose sight of hope. Never doubt your ability to cope, your ability to deal and your ability to survive. Look back, how many things have you gone through and come out the other side? How many times have you wondered if you will cope and you have, how often have you doubted yourself and then exceeded all your expectations? Countless. Because your awesome, strong, powerful and capable.
Next time I ask myself “Annie are you OK” my answer will be yes. Even in the midst of doubt I will say Yes because despite what is happening or what might happen; I have hope.
Thanks for stopping by x
The Fat Funny One x
P.S To my friend, thank you. Thank you for being patient, for being honest and being there. I have snapped, I have argued and been a bit of a mess but you brushed it off. You are the epitome of a true friend. Should nothing come of this “situation”, please know that the fact I have you means more to me anyway. You will never know what you mean to me and I don’t think I have enough days in my life time to show you how grateful I am, but I will try. I love you more than you know.