This isn’t an easy post to write and since November 2016 I’ve wanted to write it. I wanted to lay it out on paper, I wanted the support and someone else to say they understood but instead I carried on like everything was ok.
On 12th September 2017 I posted one of my most exciting posts (and popular) on Instagram! I announced we were pregnant! I was buzzing all day at sharing the news with everyone and telling the world! I had so many different ideas of how to do it! I spent far too long on Pinterest looking at ways to be creative and annouce but I just couldn’t be bothered so it was a straight up scan pic with Sophia! It was so exciting to plan but it also felt slightly weird because in my time on Instagram it wasn’t the only pregnancy announcement I had planned to do, I was just pleased this one made it to the screen.
We were tying for maybe a year to get pregnant, every app going telling me my cycle, I had it! Vitamin taking, cycle checking – we were on it! We tried and tried and tried and nothing so we decided to stop before it became a chore and the frustrations of coming on my period every month wore me down. Instead we decided to book our wedding! Focus on something else and when the time feels right we will try again. A few weeks after booking we found out we we’re pregnant.(you couldn’t make this shit up!)
What dress was I going to wear now! Hen party drinking was out the picture, not even a glass of champers on my wedding day and a plush honeymoon would have to be prosponed (for a few years) But we didn’t care – we had waited so long it was fabulous news that it was what it was and we were going to just enjoy every moment.
1 in 4. That’s the statistic of how many women go through it. The heart breaking and devastating ‘thing’ that is miscarriage.
I watched several of my insta ladies sadly tell their stories of theirs but I still couldn’t face telling mine. I almost didn’t want to admit that it happened to me too. I almost felt guilty because many of the women telling their story had no children yet and this was their first pregnancy and I felt like I didn’t have a right to be as devastated because I already had a child. People would tell me to be grateful, that I was ‘lucky’ I already had a a baby and I was so scared no one would understand I was still just so heartbroken.
I was 9 weeks. I won’t give anyone the ins and outs because I’m not ready to go there but I woke up in the morning covered I blood and I knew instantly that this was it. The Hospital trip was one of the worst and the Dr who dealt with me was insensitive and cruel. Maybe I was being over sensitive I told myself to justify his comments and questions but after being sent back to sit in A & E I couldn’t face sitting with everyone else so I sat in the corner. Next to a vending machine. I just sat there in the corner and cried. People watched. Wondered what the hell was wrong with me but I couldn’t keep it together. I remember leaning my head against the vending machine and it was so cold and for a second the relief of that against my hot face felt so good. I sat in that corner for what felt like forever wishing and hoping and praying that maybe this was all just one of those things and everything was perfectly fine but I knew it wasn’t.
We had already told all our family! Our grandparents, parents our best friends and Sophia. We had told Sophia she was going to have a baby brother or sister, we prepared her for the exciting news and she was just as excited as we were – how do I now tell her that it’s all over?
We couldn’t face telling all our family again so our mothers did that for us. They made the calls round on our behalf and I laid in there watching my phone light up with every message or phone call of support but just couldn’t face answering.
When we got home I threw myself on the sofa and didn’t move. For 4 days I didn’t move. On Day 2 I pulled out my work laptop and I threw myself into work. I wanted to just ‘get on with it’. Pretend like things were ok because maybe if I got back to normal then things wouldn’t feel so bad.
I watched pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement on my social media timelines and whilst I was genuinely so happy for everyone my heart broke again a little bit each time but I told myself to ‘stop being so selfish! You already have a child so stop being ridiculous’ but no matter how hard I tried to convince myself it never felt this way – I hurt. I hurt a lot and no one could do anything to make it better.
Sophia never ever mentioned it again and I think the universe maybe just erased it from her memory (ok she was 5 so she probably forgot like she does where her shoes were) but I couldn’t of been more grateful because I just didn’t know how I was ever going to explain to her what had happened.
Fast forward to July 2017 and returning from holiday something just didn’t seem quite right. 6 pregnancy tests later (I mean you can never be too sure) and several picture messages to my besties to confirm there really was two lines and it was confirmed we were pregnant but I wasn’t excited. I wasn’t bursting to tell anyone I was scared. I was absolutely petrified because what if it happens AGAIN! What if this happens again? I can’t cope. Maybe we were just made to have one? Maybe we aren’t good parents and only should have one child? I was so scared I didn’t even want to tell my mum. What if I broke her heart again? What if we had to make that dreaded call again!
I made my appointment with the midwife as before but none of felt good. I was so anxious and just felt like I didn’t want to be excited. My midwife is brilliant and offered for me to have an early scan for reassurance mainly to help my anxiety because she couldn’t see in my face I was just petrified.
I had a scan at 6 weeks / 9 weeks & 11 weeks and after every scan I felt a little bit better. A tiny bit better because everything was ok every time.
I welcomed morning sickness because it felt like a sign my body was doing what it should be and that almost made me feel better!
We finally made our announcement and I felt like I could breathe and finally share my good news. The congratulations came flodding in! Parents were beaming at the idea of being grandparents again it was incredible until Saturday 7th October when I went to the toilet, wiped and saw red.
I vomited. Fear – panic, this can’t be happening again? Please god no. I’ve had my scans – everything is fine! How can this be? Rang the midwife who sent me to the hospital and after being hooked onto a drip they told me they couldn’t scan me til Tuesday.
Saturday – Tuesday felt like a lifetime. Are you ok baby? Are you here? Please be here. I spent 3 days filled with the worst anxiety. I screamed at Trevor and Sophia about everything, I didn’t want to speak to anyone I was petrified. Tuesday came and I sat in the waiting room waiting. They called my name and it was the same sonographer who confirmed my miscarriage last time. I don’t want to be here, on this bed with this lady. Was this a sign? She is going to tell me the same words again isn’t she! She is? She’s going to break my heart again.
I stared at the ceiling and the tears rolled down the side of my face and it felt like a deafening silence in the room until she said ‘there you go – there is your baby! I can’t get a good picture though because it just won’t keep still’
I didn’t know what to say. I just said thank you. I probably said it a thousand times.
The bleeding finally stopped 8 days later and various other tests and scans over the last few weeks have confirmed 1. Baby is ok and 2. We are going to have a baby girl.
Nearly half way there and I still feel anxious but far better than before. I am allowing myself to be excited, to purchase things and to really get into the fact I’m going to have TWO girls!!!! TWO daughters! (God help me!)
This pregnancy is a blessing and a miracle and I am forever grateful to be chosen to be someone else’s mum. I have accepted that I shouldn’t feel guilty because my heart break was mine and though mine may be different to someone else’s and some to suffer far worse it doesn’t make pain any less valid.
In December last year a few weeks after we went shopping for Christmas decorations and after begging sophia not to touch ANYTHING in the store because no doubt she would break something she went running off to the other end is the aisle. She carefully picked up the the most beautiful glass angel for our Christmas tree and said ‘mummy please can I just have this one’.
I remember my eyes stung so hard because I wanted to cry. I felt a bit like this was our little angel and it was a little reminder of them. It will be in the centre of our Christmas tree now and Sophia thinks it’s the most wonderful decoration and it truly is. This year will be strange but I am looking forward to seeing that beautiful decoration on my tree. It shines so beautiful and twinkles in front of the fairy lights and although it hurts I find comfort it seeing it.
Miscarriage is sadly more common than we know but I wanted to write this to tell someone somewhere – your not alone. Your pain is valid and you are allowed to fee however you choose about it despite your circumstances.
When I spoke about it to a select few so many said ‘I have had one too’ and although I hated hearing others feel that pain it was comforting knowing people knew exactly how I felt and could offer support and understanding.
Just know you haven’t failed. There is NOTHING wrong with you and this isn’t anyone telling you you won’t be a mother. We can tear ourselves apart wondering why me, why did this happen and what did I do. Of course it’s easier said than done to truly not feel or think these things but honestly – from the bottom of my heart, it isn’t YOU.
I hope this has supported someone in a dark time and I pray that everyone gets their Rainbow ? (normally when you least expect it!)
Thanks for stopping by x
The Fat Funny One x
P.S ‘some day I wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me. Where trouble melt like lemon drops away above the chimney tops that’s where, you’ll find me’