But why? The consistent and most annoying question asked by children. The request in itself I guess isn’t that frustrating but its when they have asked it about 65 times and we simply cannot give them an answer then it slowly becomes a drain on your brain capacity.
“you cant have that”..
“Because its not good for you!”
“Because I said so..”
I would keep going but you get my drift. I remember when it started with Sophia and I laughed and thought it was cute…that thought didn’t last long but luckily neither did the phase of asking. However there was an occasion recently since having Bella that Sophia started to ask again (it was about breastfeeding) and I’m not going to get into the whole discussion but she is now under the impression that I have tiny cows in my boobs.
Despite the weird turn that conversation took it made me think about the fact that asking myself why played such a huge part in my self love journey.
Why do I feel this way about my body? Because it’s not very nice. OK, but WHY is it not very nice? Because it doesn’t look like the girls in the magazines, but WHY doesn’t it look like the girls in the magazines? Because they are photo shopped and the girls in the magazines don’t even look like the girls in the magazines. So WHY is there a problem with how I look? Because society says you should look a certain way. WHY does society say that? Because Society is a dick.
When I started seeing my therapist about problems I was having in the here and now, in my marriage, in my career and just generally in life she asked me for a timeline. I asked her from what point and she said the year I was born. I remember coming home from the first few sessions and thinking seriously? I am paying sixty bloody quid to give someone my life story for things that are not even relevant to NOW, to the problems happening today and I mean how is any of that going to help me? I am not paying all this money for a long drawn out and expensive episode of this is your life. Then in one session as if she could read my mind she said – I have to work out who you are. How you got to now and why because without that I wont be able to understand and therefore I wont be able to help you.
I thought about it all the way home in the car and began thinking if something wasn’t working properly in my house and I called the relevant professional to come and fix it the first thing they would do is investigate why the problem is occurring in the first place. Whether it is a washing machine, TV, plumbing or an electrical appliance we need the “why” to be able to work out what we need to do to sort it. This includes with us as humans.
At the start of my self love journey I never really looked deep enough into why I felt how I did, I simply wanted a solution there and then. I wanted to feel confident and carefree so I started to put myself out there. I entered a lingerie competition, I pushed myself to have a “I don’t give a f**k” attitude but these “solutions” were not going to fix how I felt long term or even permanently because I hadn’t actually done any investigating as to why I was feeling this was in the first place.
So I started doing that persistent childlike thing of asking myself that all time favourite question, WHY? And in asking things got uncomfortable. I had to think, process and accept things that had been said and done to me in order to truly understand how I had got to where I was. I found myself going round and round in circles about why I hated what I saw in the mirror so much only to realise I couldn’t really find any tangible reason. Whilst the things that had happened to me in my past contributed to how I was feeling I couldn’t make just one of those reasons solely accountable and the only thing I could really think was the fact “society said so” and quite frankly that was a pretty shit excuse.
People often send me emails or messages through my social media channels at despair with how they feel about their own bodies. I used to go back with hints and tips and explain the ways that helped me until recently when I started to ask why. I am always wary going back with this response because I don’t want to trigger people into reliving horrible situations but I do want people to have that realisation I did that in order to have a long term solution and ultimately change their life for the better they have to find out why they feel the way they do.
I found for myself that a lot of my self hate came from other people. Being cheated on by an ex (whose lover messaged me and told me it was because I was fat), horrible colleagues who bullied me in the office about the way I looked and spoke, the trolls on the internet who tear me down and have a negative opinion on absolutely everything I do and say and even the nasty girls at school who picked on me for not looking like they did. The list felt endless of people who had come into my life and destroyed a little bit of who I was. What I came to learn was that I was in control not only of the access that these people had to me but also how they made me feel. Their actions preyed on already existing insecurities based on this idea of what I believed beautiful should be and I allowed them to essentially almost ruin my life. MY life. MINE. Something that belong solely to me.
These people had affected me because they triggered something that I was already feeling. I was already insecure about aspects of my physical body and some parts of my personality because I didn’t see myself in any of the people who are deemed beautiful in the world. I couldn’t relate to super models, successful business women or celebrities. I couldn’t relate to the people on the internet or TV because I was just this chubby girl from a council estate who talked too much, told crap jokes and was of average intelligence (Most of that is still true apart from the average intelligence! I have come to find I am a rather smart cookie)
I might not be able to change what society dictates but I can control what I absorb and accept to be the truth. I might not be able to control what people think about me, say behind my back, to my face or on the internet but I can control how little it effects me and I have done this by eradicating the root cause of the problem – my acceptance that societies version of beautiful was the only version.
I broke down slowly every single characteristic I believed that being beautiful meant tall, slim, clever, perky and dissected it til I came to the conclusion there was NOTHING left in this for me to give a shit about. I stopped absorbing the things that made me feel negative and filled myself with images of women and people who I could relate too. I followed people who inspired me, I watched programmes that gave me insight, made me think outside the box and intrigued me, educated me (If you have watched blue planet you would know what I mean! #manlikeattenborough). When I realised the why and accepted that this was not final I was able to build myself up and put myself in a position so that peoples negative opinions of me were simply their problems and not mine. I accepted that it may be that persons perception but their perception is NOT my reality.
My body may not look like the bodies on the covers of magazines but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t look like the majority. Every curve, wrinkle and roll belong to me. Every dimple, the south facing breasts and the over flowing stomach are simply aspects of my being and no longer are the basis of my insecurities.
I found out “why” and in doing so I realised that I am just as beautiful as societies definition even if I don’t match the requirements. It doesn’t take away from my worthiness of happiness, my ability to be successful and my entitlement to feel good in my own skin.
So ask yourself why. You may need support in doing that and that is OK. The journey wont be easy and you will take 20 steps forward and a few back sometimes, you may not go as quick as the next and you make take the wrong exit at some point but the road to unconditional love for yourself isn’t straight forward. It wont be an easy road trip but the destination is worth it.
Thanks for stopping by x
The Fat Funny one x
P.S The only thing I never ask why about is the presence of cake.