“Sorry for your loss” Words I haven’t really had to hear before and if I am quite honest don’t know how to accept. I struggle because while Emma was my dear friend and had been for over 15 years she was someone else daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, fiancé etc and it almost feels wrong to accept condolences when you feel like other people deserve them more.
I haven’t really dealt with grief on this level before so it is hard understanding what the right things are to do or feel. What to say, how to help, how to cope?
If you knew Emma and some of you did she was literally the life and soul of the party. She was fun, creative and she had these big eyes that just make you fall in love with her. Emma taught many people different things (I mean she literally did teach because she was a primary school teacher) but the lessons she often showed people were to love hard, love openly and to really not give a shit about what people think – if its what you want just do it.
We once had a talent show at school and everyone grouped up to perform. Not Emma. She wanted to do a Beyonce track (obviously) and she wanted to do it herself and she did and she smashed it out the park. I remember being so envious (in a good way) at her confidence. She really didn’t care what we all thought, she didn’t care she was on her own or who liked the song or performance. What mattered to her was her, dancing to her favourite artist, to a song she loved and expressing herself. I wish I knew then and appreciated just how incredible it was to have an attitude like hers.
I have recently been struggling with a whole host of things emotionally. Some big life changes that I am confused about and frustrated with. Many are out of my control and it has been bothering me for maybe the last 6 months but in true Jess style I have been brushing it off, trying to focus on the things that sit on the surface because I can normally control those and its things I can do at the moment. Whilst this is ok it pushes the things that need dealing with further and further down.
If there was an award for best procrastinator I would get 2nd place (my best mate would get 1st without a doubt) and its not good! I leave things until the last minute, I constantly say ” I will do it when I feel ready” or “it can wait til tomorrow” and whilst I promise this isn’t going to be a cliche post about life being short (that is f’n evident) but I am trying to explain the power in doing things now.
I have had several incidents recently where I was supposed to send something or action something and have left it for the next day or later and then the opportunity to do it hasn’t been there. I brushed it off and have been a bit like “whatever” about it, telling myself that it doesn’t matter because maybe those opportunities weren’t for me, obviously it means there is something bigger or better coming my way which is why this door has closed, right? WRONG.
I am a strong believer in that god, the universe whatever you believe in will often close doors that are not for you or protect you from things that were not going to be right for you but it seems I have allowed this belief to justify just being bloody lazy and not going for things when I should do. What if the that door was open for me and the opportunity behind it was just what I needed but instead I waited til tomorrow, the door closes then I tell myself “ahh never mind it wasn’t meant to be”. NO. NO NO NO NO NO. If I had ran my fastest to that door and for whatever reason it closed as I got there then maybe, maybe it wasn’t meant to be but if I didn’t even get the hell up to go to the door in the first place then that is a missed chance at something great. (I really hope this is making sense)
Emma’s health deteriorated way quicker than we all imagined. On Tuesday evening her mum had text our friend and said we could send her voice notes if we wanted to and she would play them to her. I knew this meant things were not good and I was devastated. I didn’t want to send the voice note when I was so upset and told myself I will be upset tonight and will wait till tomorrow to send it, by the next morning I had received the news that Emma had passed.
My first reaction was anger and frustration at not sending the voice note. I can’t even really explain the pain that came with wishing I had just bloody sent the voice note the night before. I went back to our last text convo only about a week ago where we simply told each other how much we loved each other and how much we meant to one another and I knew she knew I loved her and I know she loved me, the voice note wouldn’t of changed any of that and I know living with that regret will only make things worse so I had to let it go. It was a friend who then said to me – don’t you see the lesson she has left you with? And it was then I realised this was her way of telling me – do things when they are in your heart to do. Don’t worry about offending, upsetting, how you may come across or if you say the wrong thing. Just do things when you need to do them because the opportunity to do them may not be there when you feel your ready – and lets be real, no matter how much we prepare for anything whether it’s that job we have gone for, becoming a parent, our wedding day or even saying goodbye to a loved one we are never fully ready for when it happened regardless of how much we prep so why not just go for it right? * Disclaimer not telling everyone to start having babies or shout F you to your boss but you get my drift.
That lesson will stay with me. It is etched in my heart now and as I type this I know she would of wanted others to learn from it to. So do, learn from Emma. Even if you didn’t know her she would of wanted good things for you because she always wanted the best for others.
Stop procrastinating, stop hanging on, stop waiting – what are you waiting for? If you want to ask them out on a date do it, if you want to apply for the job do it, if you need to tell someone you love them do it, send that email, write that book, book that trip just go on right ahead because if you want something bad enough if you really really want it then don’t sleep on it, don’t wait til you feel more ready because doors don’t always stay open.
But before you do anything…check your boobs.
Thanks for stopping by x
The Fat Funny one x
Queen Bee. Forever Friends ?