Silence is golden so they say, I am not sure what they actually mean but what I do know is that silence is fucking impossible sometimes but exactly what I often need – I type this as I sit in the Ikea, in the restaurant, on my laptop with a coffee and no kids because I have done a runner.
I have often talked about just needing to get some space and feeling overwhelmed. With some of the things that have happened and are happening in my life at the moment has meant that feeling of just needing to escape has been more frequent and more intense. The difference I have noticed is that rather than sitting and suffering in that emotion and allowing it to eventually consume me I have learnt to stop feeling guilty and have given myself permission to walk away. Tonight being a prime example of that.
Nothing major happened today really but in my house on most days there is this weird witching hour where everyone basically looses their shit. Sometimes its only a little while and not so bad and other days everyone genuinely looses their dam minds. Tonight was somewhere in the middle but its been an emotional week so it was even harder to deal with than normal. The baby was screaming, Sophia was screaming – Everyone was screaming relentlessly and I just couldn’t cope! (No-one was hurt / sick / hungry – everyone was a just over tired and I just was loosing the will to live)
** Side note will people STOP saying the phrase “sleeping like a baby” because I don’t know about yours but mine doesn’t f’n sleep – moving on
After everyone cooled down (slightly) My mother in law offered to take the children with her to visit her mum. I don’t think I have ever got them dressed and sorted and in car ready to go so quickly before. Even after they left I felt a bit claustrophobic almost, like I needed to just get out so off to Ikea I went with my laptop, notebook and purse.
I know I know, people will roll their eyes – make judgemental comments like ” if you can’t handle it then your not fit to be a mum” or “you shouldn’t complain because others would dream to be in your position” or “your lucky you have support around” and you know what – there is truth in all of those statements and I am eternally grateful for the position I am in; however as much as I believe being a parent is some what similar to being a superhero and I am very fortunate, becoming a parent didn’t mean I gained the ability to ease through life like I am Mary bloody Poppin’s and there are often times I just need a blooming break.
I don’t even believe this just applied to being a parent but just being a human in general. Self care isn’t all rose petal baths with a bath bomb, sometimes its walking out and just having a moment to breathe. I have always been someone who let things “pile up” and eventually just snowball out of control. I am a talker but don’t often talk about things that really release the emotions that I am feeling and when I became a mother I didn’t realise the effect that would have on the way I felt and how I expressed myself. I allowed the pressure of the high expectations I had for this role consume me and so when I wanted to just walk out to have 5 minutes I wouldn’t allow myself the opportunity. Listening to the little voice in the back of my head with those judgemental statements and the guilt would creep in so I would stay, I would get so upset, so overwhelmed and it wasn’t ok.
As I practised self love and allowing myself the permission to put my self first I realise the importance of silence. As someone who has spent the majority of their life fearing being alone and in total silence I now embrace it and didn’t realise until recently how much of an achievement that is. I used to sleep with the tv on ALL the time because the sound meant I was distracted from intrusive thoughts, I would play music, call friends (I still do in long car journeys – through bluetooth of course), scroll the internet, go out…I basically would do everything and anything apart from be still and just breathe.
There is no shame in needing a break sometimes. There is no shame in wanting to be alone and now that I crave that I also realise how much I needed to learn to love my own company. I still struggle with it and would be lying if I said I can be alone for long periods of time because I can’t but because my mindset is different I can be in silence and allow myself to just think. I am not so afraid of those intrusive thoughts any more and through the life changes I have made and the self love journey I have been on they are no where near as bad or as frequent as they used to be. I know the healing that I am doing when I am just stepping out for 5 minuets to realign and the power in that has been so great.
You don’t have to grab your keys and go on long drives or be a million ways from home to have that break. When I am alone with the children I put them somewhere safe – living room floor with the tv on for a moment and I literally step outside my back door and breathe. Take in huge deep breaths, tell myself some affirmations to remind myself I can deal with this, I am capable, I am a good mother and this madness is only temporary. You may need to do this at work, with your family, with friends – It isn’t just a parent thing. My point is its ok to just have a minute.
My mental health suffers when I try and face it all and don’t allow myself the time to recoup. When I know I am going to have some serious emotions to deal with I make myself busy – so busy I often exhaust myself but I found it was my way of coping because if I was busy I couldn’t think about what it really was that needed dealing with.
My hair has been falling out in clumps. On the right side of my head at the front there is a massive chunk of hair missing from the root. This is how my stress has played out because I haven’t been giving myself permission to not be ok. I have tried to keep up with everyone else, distract myself, keep busy, be a good mum, be a good blogger, encourage others, make sure everyone else is ok, deal with grief, understand the uncertainty of where my life was going; the list is endless. I put this huge pressure on myself to be OK because how can I claim the title “motivational speaker” if my life isn’t great? How can I encourage others if I am feeling low? I can’t. I can’t pour from an empty cup so tonight as I sit in Ikea (now with meatballs) – I breathe. I breathe and tell my self that this really will be ok and that being a “motivational speaker” or someone who aims to inspire others doesn’t mean my life has to be perfect – no-one has a perfect life (whatever that even means!). Being someone who wants to ignite the fire in others to see their potential and power is something I am capable of doing, I am able to do and say what I do because in the midst of it all I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I never used to, I never used to think the dark days would be over and now I do and just because I am struggling with some things right now, doesn’t make my message any less valid.
I am a good mother. I am good at what I do. I am a good friend. My message is genuine. I do believe in the art of positive thinking. I know it will be ok. I have come so far and all of these things are because I am strong, I am capable and because I have the power to change this all around – I just need a minute. Just a minute. Just here. In the silence. Just a minute and there is no shame in that.
Thanks for stopping by x
The Fat Funny One x
P.S – Ikea is the least silent place in the world but the library doesn’t serve meatballs.