Maybe. I May Be. I Will Be.

You know when you get a picture of yourself you love, you can determine whether you REALLY love it by seeing if you make it your profile picture! Well within a day of receiving the image above it was my profile picture on every available place possible – I mean I even went as far as linked in and Whats app!

Unlike my historic profile pictures (anything prior to 2012 is too embarrassing to consider) this wasn’t my normal kind of snap and I loved it so much because the first thing I saw when I got this picture wasn’t the aesthetic at all, it was the fact it was an image of me finally living my dreams.

Microphone in hand and donning the stage, this was all I ever wanted to do and here I am doing it, here is photographic evidence of me doing it! This was my second event and at this point I had seen over 200 women sit in the seats before me while I chatted away. I was filled with a buzz I cannot articulate and my heart was so full, there is just no feeling like doing something you absolutely adore.

I was on a high I can’t explain so I decided to roll out the events to more locations, so I could meet more incredible women. I did a few more locations when I began to tell myself that this ‘winning streak’ wouldn’t last so I started doing less and less events. My last event confirmed was for Birmingham (September 2018) however I got a call from my wonderful friend Emma to say she was having a last-minute engagement party in September and it fell on the same date. Now normal circumstances would mean I would have just organised to see her another time but a few weeks before this Emma was told she as dying. Without hesitation I cancelled the events and it was the best decision I made because the night of the party was the last time I got to hug Emma because she sadly passed away 4 weeks later.

I haven’t booked another event since. I was left with this weird feeling of confusion and not really understanding what I was meant to do next. Whilst I don’t regret my decision to cancel I had an overwhelming fear that I had let so many people down and despite getting their money back they would never spend it again on another ticket to come and see me so for me, that was the evidence I needed in my anxious brain to confirm that my time on the stage was done and I should just leave it.

However more recently I have been doing some serious soul searching and really digging deep to let go of the limits I have put on my myself. I did a post on Instagram recently about why not a big life? Why not me? I always encourage others to go for whatever they really want to and I truly believe even the sky isn’t the limit (People have gone to space right?) but that was only ever for other people and not for me and not because I didn’t believe it to be true but because I felt like I had peaked. Over the course of the 6 months I ran my events and I got the opportunity to see a total of over 500 people so surely that is it right? Who do I think I am even considering things getting any better than this? This is incredible as it is so let me just stay here in this place feeling comfortable and grateful for this huge achievement and be done.

In a therapy session my therapist once asked me what I was doing with all this fake humility? I began getting defensive, I wasn’t faking anything! I really am grateful, I really am humbled, proud and content with where I am and what I have done but I guess I don’t pay her for nothing. She was right. Whilst I wasn’t faking my humility I was convincing myself I was content with where I was because I was too scared to step into an arena I felt I wasn’t good enough for.

I have never made money from my events, I have made enough to host, run them and covered my expenses but I haven’t had real cash left. ‘I do it because I love it, I do it because I am passionate” and YES those statements are completely true but that doesn’t mean I don’t need to get paid. After more soul searching I realise again this came back to how much worth I put on my time and my efforts.

I create everything from scratch and even do the cleaning up afterwards, I was happy to pay a guest speaker or someone else who provided a service for the event but not happy to pay myself. Did I value everyone else more than myself, was I being a hypocrite? I felt so conflicted that the message of empowering people was some what false when I was doing myself such an injustice.

For so long I believed learning to love yourself was just being happy in a bikini and getting your flabby tummy out without a care in the world and yes, that is a part of it and was a huge part of it for me but it is so much more than that. It is saying no when you don’t really want to do something, it is removing people out of your life (both on and offline) to protect your own space and energy, it is upping your prices of your small business to pay yourself more money, it is leaving the toxic relationship, it is going for the opportunity you know deep down you deserve, it is applying for that promotion, it is all of the above and so much more.

I spent a lot of my life blaming other people for the circumstances I was in. Whether it was the ex boyfriend who cheated on me and called me fat, The guy that attacked me, the friends that bitched about me, the colleagues who bullied me or even my parents. I used every excuse in the book to put limits on myself only to realise the person who was 100% accountable for those limits was me.

You cannot control what your born into, how people treat you or what other people do or say but what you can control is how you let it effect you and how you allow your decisions to shape your life. If you haven’t watched Brene Brown on Netflix you need to! She is incredible and one of the many things she has said that has stuck with me is ‘you either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness’ . I love a hustle, I really do but MY story is something I want to create whilst inside it not standing on the outside trying to convince everyone else about it.

I want to be on stage, I want nothing more (apart from maybe a lay in every now and again) and I am not willing to accept that I won’t be. Maybe no one will buy tickets, maybe I will sell out. Maybe I am cut out for the arena, maybe I will get chewed up and spat out, maybe maybe maybe maybe.

Maybe this will be a defining moment in my life and I am doing exactly what I am suppose to do, where I am supposed to do it, how I am supposed to be doing it.  

Later this year, microphone in hand and donning the stage is where I WILL be.

Thanks for stopping by x

The Fat Funny One x

P.S – I better get planning!

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